the lady on the bike

so i've been thinking a lot lately about my life and career and everything. i've been calling it an early mid-life crisis because that's really how it feels (and it feels just as dramatic as it sounds). i feel really bad for all of my friends and family - having to hear me go on like a broken record about how miserable i am and how i 'really need a change' blah blah blah...

it's also cold, thankfully. i have been bummed because i am missing the portland storm (the coldest tems in at least 10 years!). everyone thinks i'm crazy, but i really really like the cold weather. and since i've been a kid i've really loved severe weather. not that i want anybody to be hurt or that i like to see stuff destroyed. i really just like seeing the power of nature.

anyhow, all of this is squashing my brain and for whatever reason - or for no reason at all - i was reminded of an incident in portland. i was riding in the back seat of pete's sister's car with pete. his sister and husband were in the front. we heading south on mlk blvd. in ne portland coming back from something... i think it was near the holidays because it was cool and overcast. we were going along having pleasant holiday related conversation and as we are nearing the more commercial lloyd center area there was a commotion in the right lane. we got over into the left lane and slowed with the trafic. as we approached the intersection of a small side street there was a crown gathered around someone lying in black leathers on the ground - her motercycle in the street on its side. so many thoughts went through my head at that point - mostly just taking note of stuff. she seemd to be in her mid 30's. white woman with short hair. looked to me like a dyke on a bike. one of the many happy portland queer ladies happily out for a weekend bike ride.

as i got a closer look i realized that the woman on the ground was in a physically impossible position. she was lying on her back - full face helmet still on her head - but one of her legs was curved around to the side. it sort of took a little while for the sight to really register with my brain, but a thought sort of crept up until it was the only thing i could hear screaming in my mind: "HER LEG IS CURVED! HER LEG IS CURVED!".

it was at that point also that i noticed the looks on the faces of the people gathered around her. i've seen many accident scenes in my life and there's always a ton of excitement and adrenaline with about 12 people on the phone with 911 and people screaming and freaking out. this was different. everyone was kneeling down over the woman on the ground. nobody was moving. they were just looking down at her like they were waiting for something. they looked sad and worried. i lost sight of them as we pulled away - cheerful conversation continuing. i don't think anyone else in the car saw what i saw.

and just like that it was over. the whole thing probably lasted only a few seconds, but that short experience has had a lasting impression on me. i can't really say what that impression is but it is there.

i don't know why i thought about that today.